tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1300095395388562446.post7355697596450261240..comments2023-05-11T09:48:33.992-04:00Comments on Christine's Cottage: The Revised Revised OpenerUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1300095395388562446.post-58244706473262592632009-04-03T07:02:00.000-04:002009-04-03T07:02:00.000-04:00Thanks, Sunny. I am trying to avoid fragments, bec...Thanks, Sunny. I am trying to avoid fragments, because other readers get annoyed by them, and because I'm trying to make this sound a little more literary. That whole "make sure your prose can't be misunderstood to mean anything other than what you intended" thing.<BR/><BR/>The "You're never on patrol tonight?" is probably something gleaned from too many British movies. The original line was "Nighfalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01745824744507928211noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1300095395388562446.post-57355444103244935032009-04-03T01:10:00.000-04:002009-04-03T01:10:00.000-04:00I enjoyed this, Christine . . . Absolutely love yo...I enjoyed this, Christine . . . <BR/><BR/>Absolutely love your first line - "In the cold crack of winter, the lions came down from the mountains." <BR/><BR/>My comment would be to consider the creative license you have as a fiction writer and well-timed fragment sentences. Like . . . "Nightstalkers the farmers called them. Huge, sleek, black prowlers that hunted at night."<BR/><BR/>(Also, you Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1300095395388562446.post-39623341115833101092009-04-02T20:46:00.000-04:002009-04-02T20:46:00.000-04:00The romance is what pulled me in. It gives me a st...The romance is what pulled me in. It gives me a stake in Faldur's future, and you've painted his lady-love as honest, good and true. It seems she's a match for him just as Mel has in Pelwyn. <BR/><BR/>Umm...maybe you didn't want to hear that.Myra McEntirehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02489075264670333000noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1300095395388562446.post-20599860038804727202009-04-01T23:25:00.000-04:002009-04-01T23:25:00.000-04:00He is the main character, but part of his problem ...He is the main character, but part of his problem is that he hasn't got much personality. He doesn't reveal much about himself to anyone. He's basically just a Ranger, period - at least in his own mind. But wait until I start messing with him! <BR/><BR/>I went ahead and tried to add some more emotion to the rest of the chapter, which I posted here after the original stuff you read.<BR/><BR/>I do Nighfalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01745824744507928211noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1300095395388562446.post-11365184736088643812009-04-01T13:31:00.000-04:002009-04-01T13:31:00.000-04:00Hi again!That's much, much better. The two intro p...Hi again!<BR/><BR/>That's much, much better. The two intro paragraphs give us a good, quick idea of the background and don't stick out nearly as much as the longer intro did. Once we get to Faldur, the pacing is great - there's a good balance of dialogue, action, and Faldur's thoughts, and it's quickly clear that something's wrong in the state of the world, which raises questions and draws the wonderernoreply@blogger.com