Finding my Inner Faldur

Okay, I lied in my last post. I am going write about writing today.

This weekend, we watched the movie Nim's Island, in which an adventure writer has to overcome her own fears to help a little girl who thinks she is the heroic character she writes about in her books.

One of the scary things about the movie... because it hit home... was the two-way dialogues that occur between the fictional hero and the writer, played by Jodie Foster. (Incidentally, I adore Jodie Foster and have been told on more than one occastion that I look like her. :Grin: ) I haven't quite acquired that level of schizophrenia in my writing life, but I can see it as a distinct possibility in my future.

So who is Faldur? He's the male protagonist of my book. The thing that has been bothering me the past few weeks, is that getting inside Faldur's head is making me uncomfortable with myself. You see, he is one of those disciplined, alert, self-controlled people who does everything with such annoying perfection, that it makes the heroine want to punch him in the nose just to see if he'd say "Ow." He is everything I'm not: athletic, self-disciplined, discreet, used to sleeping outside... you get the picture. He can eat anything he wants, because he burns up so many calories hunting down bad guys, slaying evil creatures, and being cold, hungry, uncomfortable and wet. He's attuned to every facet of his surroundings and always knows the right thing to do. He's the kind of guy everyone turns to in a crisis, and whom they definitely want on their team.

And he does all this without magic. Well, maybe just a little.

Anyway, I find myself thinking at times... Faldur wouldn't be here blogging and eating popcorn when there is work to be done. Faldur wouldn't have eaten that chocolate bar. Faldur would have exercised for at least an hour today. Faldur would not have hit the snooze button eight times.

My life is turning into WWFD: What would Faldur do?

The thing that is so troublesome about this is that I know, deep down, that I could be that way if I only tried. I am better than this sloppy person I have become. Okay... that I've always been. Part of this is due to my messy creative side, which I have gladly embraced, but there are limits to everything. At least, that's what Faldur would say.

True, Faldur has his shortcomings. He has spent so much time with his fellow Rangers and his horse, that he tends to be a dry stick in company. He doesn't like opening up to people, let alone admitting he might actually care for them. He's so out of touch with his emotions that he doesn't realize he's in love with the heroine, although it's perfectly plain to everyone else. And of course, he has the benefit of a clear purpose in life: Defend the border. Serve the King. Protect his men. That's it. If he ever became a civilian he would, like many soldiers, be at a complete loss for a while. And he never has to worry about domestic problems. His horse is his family. For now, anyway.

So, I can't say I really want to be him, but I would like to be like him in certain ways. And, I wouldn't mind sleeping outside once in a while either. Camping is fun. "Where are the outlets, Mr. Ranger?"

P.S. Let me try to clarify this a bit, because I'm afraid I gave the wrong impression of my hero, whom I really admire. The heroine, Marenya, is pretty ticked off with him in the beginning of the book for being so perfect and so indifferent to her. But he is actually a very complex person. Like many people who are good at what they do, he makes it look very easy when in fact he has worked very hard to hone his skills and is constantly reassessing each situation, as well as himself.

As well, he has paid a high personal price for his commitment to duty. He has given up any idea of a personal life because he doesn't want to leave a widow behind some day when he finally comes to that point where he makes an error in judgement, or is simply outmatched. As she moves out of her safe, familiar environment and is drawn into the dangerous world he lives in every day, she comes to appreciate him more and more.

What I envy about this character is his focus and discipline. It makes me very aware of my lack of both. What I have to face, though, is that in order to know this character as intimately as I do, there must be some of those qualities in me that are yet undeveloped. That is the challenge I am facing for myself... finding my inner Faldur.

1 Peter 5:8
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Hello, out there!

Hi Everyone! I know I haven't posted anything for a while. I have been working really hard on The Golden Gryphon. I'm trying to finish the first draft by the end of the year. So, instead of writing on my blog about writing, I'm just... well... writing.

I have created a blog for my math students. It's boring, just lists of homework assignments and test information, so I won't bother to link it here. But one feature I put up is a quote of the week. I thought that some of them would be nice to post here, so I'm going to add that feature to this blog as well.

Have a great week everyone!

Zombie Writers

I am falling victim to a commom malady called "writing zombie-ism." The Zombie Writer is recognizable by a number of clear symptoms:

1. Walking stiffly, as a result of spinal compression due to sitting most of the time

2. Clenched hands, which have become gnarled from using a pen or keyboard

3. A perpetually glazed expression, and the tendency to speak in monosyllables, if at all, in response to well-meaning attempts at conversation. This is due to the fact that the zombie is not actually present with the speaker, but is living inside his or her imaginary world

4. The tendency to mumble to himself or herself while performing mundane tasks. See above.

5. An unkempt appearance, including rumpled clothes and wild hair, as a result of rushing to his or her desk immediately after waking, and then subsequently losing all track of time.

6. The tendency to eat nothing for long periods of time, and then suddenly be overcome with the urge to eat, at which time s(he) either empties out the refrigerator, or orders and consumes an entire large, deluxe pizza

7. The tendency to prowl around at night, unable to sleep but also too exhausted to write, resulting in daytime sleepiness, paleness and optical sensitivity to sunlight.

8. Lack of communication with family and friends


These symptoms, however, can be relieved in several ways.

1. The sudden arrival of friends whom the zombie invited over, and forgot all about

2. The sudden arrival of friends who want to make sure the zombie hasn't fallen and can't get up

3. A sick child throwing up on the computer

4. A child who is not sick, but positions himself on the writer's lap in such a way that no matter how the writer moves her head, she cannot see the screen

5. A dog (or cat) who throws up on the writer's feet

6. Spousal yelling (not recommended)

7. Being "kidnapped" for a dinner out by said spouse (recommended)

8. Completion of a manuscript (rare)

9. Publication (even rarer)

The First Sick Day

Today was Jeffrey's first sick day. (I'm sick of calling him DS=Dear Son. I'm going to take a leap of faith and assume there are no stalkers reading my blog.)

He caught the virus that everyone else has had at school, and the nurse called me yesterday afternoon to pick him up because he had a low fever. He threw up in the car, laid on the sofa for a while, then crawled into his bed and slept from 4 pm to 8 pm. I thought he was out for the night, and Mark (DH) and I were happily in the middle of watching "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" when the son rose and announced he wanted to play Webkinz. He played computer games, ate some pizza which we had ordered for his Jesus Birthday (that never got celebrated), and went back to bed at 11 pm.

This morning he seems fine, true to the course of this particular virus. At least, his fever's gone and he's playing happily. He clearly has a cold, but he's not lying on the couch. My friend Sharyn is going to come over and babysit so I can teach my class this afternoon. Her daughter Carolyn already had the virus, and can't wait to play with Jeff.

But I realized that this is his first sick day! God is so good... he did not miss one single day of school last year when I was teaching. I missed school several times for illness, but Jeff was never sick. Amazing!

I just feel so fortunate to have such amazing friends who will babysit for me even when my child is sick! When I married Mark, I knew no one in New Jersey. I tried to get him to move back to Ohio, but he couldn't because of his job situation. I was really depressed about the whole thing, but God told me that if I would commit myself to this marriage and to Him, He would provide a home for me here, and He truly has.

So I want to say a very heartfelt "Thank you" to Sharyn and Michelle D. and Marci and Toi and Wendi and Erica, and my Internet friends Michelle G. and Kristal, and my long-distance friends Kimberly and Alison, and my teaching colleagues Terri and Jackie and Sharon C. and Rose W., and even Linda, the fabulous secrectary of my new math dept. at CCC.... for giving me a HOME!

God is using you, even if you don't know it!

"Everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life." - Matt. 19:29

Monday morning

Ugh! Normally I love the peace of Monday morning, after a busy family weekend. But today was Just Awful, and it's only 9:30!

We got up late, because I stayed up until 11:30 writing and chatting with Michelle G. and Kristal on Yahoo. (Thanks, girls, for your encouragement!) I didn't notice that DH, in a fit of zealous dishwashing, had taken the filter basket and coffee pot off of the coffee maker and washed them last night, leaving them in the drainer. I know, I know it's stupid of me, but I can't tell you how many times I've stumbled into the kitchen in the morning, filled the pot with coffee and water and turned it on, only to have the coffee cascade over the counter and floor. It happened again today!

DS is getting worse and worse with his pickniness with food, probably because I'm pushing him to eat a wider variety so, like a mule, he's digging in his heels. I had no idea what to put in his lunch, so I tossed in the ubiquitous cheese stick, which will probably come home untouched, and a packet of pretzels and some juice. My hair is disgusting because I haven't washed it in two days preparatory to coloring it, so I put makeup on and stuck my hair in a ponytail under a ball cap and we left for school.

DS wanted to race, and ran down the sidewalk, his backpack bouncing on his shoulders. I didn't discourage this - hey, he's exercising! - but I should have, because he tripped and fell on the cement, prompting tears and protests that he didn't want to go to school. I promised him a Band-aid from the nurse when we got there, but he dug in his heels - literally - and I had to threaten and drag him the rest of the way, feeling like the worst mom in the world for not stopping him from running. Not to mention the fact that we drew stares from all the passing neighbors. (The crossing guard, however, was sympathetic.)

So I walked back home, thinking about all the things I have to do and the loan we're signing tonight for the new windows and the fact that the Caravan is making funny noises again, and wondered for the umpteenth time if it is really worth the struggle to write this fantasy novel and if I should just go get a job. I cleaned up the coffee and made a fresh pot of REALLY STRONG caffeine, had a couple of the delicious homemade cookies that DS refused to eat last night (oatmeal-chocolate chip-walnut-raisin-cranberry), and read my Bible. This is what I read:

Then I said, ‘I have labored in vain,
I have spent my strength for nothing and in vain;
Yet surely my just reward is with the LORD,
And my work with my God.’”
-Isaiah 49:4, NKJV

I just have to keep reminding myself that, for whatever reason, God has put this story on my mind and heart to write. I was telling K. and M.G. last night that the characters don't even resemble the actors I had in mind when I first started writing it a year and half ago. They are their own people, so real, it's almost frightening.

(later)

P.S. I take that back. Faldur still looks like Hugh Jackman, I just forgot that it was Hugh that he looked like! I mostly think of him (Jackman) as Wolverine from the X-men, all moody and withdrawn. And besides being incredibly sexy (the hard-to-get ones always are), that's an important part of his character: his reticence. Like Aragorn, he's got a lot of secrets and has to be very careful what he reveals and to whom.

P.P.S. DS ate the cheese stick, and seems to have recovered from the emotional impact of his mishap. And my class went really well this afternoon! We got into the beginning of the pre-calculus stuff: namely functions and the difference quotient
f(x+h)-f(x)/h.
Call me wierd, but I love that stuff!

Candlelit Morning

It's not quite 5 a.m. I've been awake since 4 and decided to get up and write. I turned the brightness on my monitor way down and lit a candle in the office, so as not to give myself a headache. It's pouring rain outside. I've left the window open so I can hear the rain pummeling the leaves and dripping off the gutters.

My characters have been blessed with good weather so far. Mainly because even Hanorja, who have excellent eyesight, can't see through raindrops, which would seriously dampen the action. There's been a lot of action, (well, not a LOT of action, but a lot for me), and some blood, and now everyone is recuperating before the next stage. I better go find out what happens.

See 'ya!

September

Autumn is here, with cooler temperatures and that sense of latent excitement that always accompanies the change of seasons. The colors haven't changed yet; I'm hoping that since we've had plenty of rain, we'll have an atypically glorious Fall. I saw a few red birch leaves on the ground when I was walking Teddy yesterday. Of course, they start dropping red leaves in August, so that's no biggie. This is Ted's favorite time of year, because the squirrels endlessly forage for acorns in yard, and he loves to dash out and catch them by surprise. They go streaking and squeaking for the fence with his fluffy white person in hot pursuit. He would go in and out the back door all day, if I let him.

Teddy is in Heaven, having me home again. Last year he was miserable with our long days away from home and started chewing things in the house. One thing I can say for that... our living room is a lot cleaner now that we have to pick it up every time we leave! I haven't made much progress with the house yet. I've done a few things, but with starting my new teaching job at the college and getting DS started in a new school, plus Eti's funeral, and working part time for Marci and Steve, I've been plenty busy. I still can't believe Eti's gone, but I know she's in a better place, waiting for us to join her one day.

The book is weighing on me. I always feel this horrible tension between wanting to just work on it all day without interruption, and feeling that I need to be doing other things. The sink is full of dirty dishes this morning and the house needs cleaning, as we are having friends over for dinner tonight, and I have to go to the store, and help at in my son's classroom this afternoon. But I'm going to set aside a couple of hours this morning to write, because I have to, and if someone drops by and sees the dirty dishes or the books and mail piled up on the table, too bad.

It's really true, that saying that "Being a writer is like having homework every night." Sometimes I dread writing and put it off, other times I can't wait to get working. Most of the time, I'm excited about the book. I just pray that others will be excited too, when it's finally done. I feel so blessed right now to be able to stay home and work on it, like God knew exactly what I needed. DS is in school, and I have a couple of little jobs to get me out of the house and add a trickle of income. It's Heaven for me! The only drawback is the loneliness. I do find myself blathering on to the checkout girl at the supermarket, or the other parents at the school, just because I need someone to talk to. But that's okay! That's what blogs are for, right?

PS I was just looking over past posts, and saw in the "Random Stuff" list from May that one of my wishes was "windows." That wish has come true... we're getting new windows for our house! Hooray!!!