It's about 4:30 on Thursday morning. My second to last day of the school year, perhaps of my teaching career. I went to bed early last night but woke up about an hour ago and decided that since I couldn't go back to sleep I might as well get up.
My heart has been so heavy lately. I feel like a cartoon character with a little black cloud following me everywhere I go. I spent some time reading my Bible and praying, and I do feel better. I wish I could be like Lucy Pevensie and have Aslan appear and breathe strength and courage into me when I need Him.
It's funny, but the one thing I wanted most was to be home and not have to work, but now that I'm almost there - at least for the summer - I feel like the walls of my house are closing in around me. Well, not the walls as much as the Stuff. There is just so much Stuff! Stuff to do, Stuff to clean, Stuff to organize. It's like my home is this great big closet that I've shut my mind to for the past year, and now I'm trying to open the door again carefully so that all the Stuff inside doesn't fall on my head.
I guess that's really a metaphor for life. It's why people become workaholics. If you can focus on Work rather than Stuff, you can ignore your Stuff for a really long time. Whether it's emotional Stuff, spiritual Stuff, financial Stuff, or even just real, physical Stuff. I know I'm very lucky to have this break, and that many people have to put off their Stuff indefinitely because they just have no choice. They have to work two or three jobs to survive. I thank God I'm not in that situation.
However, part of my Stuff is the fact that once again my husband's job is threatened. It didn't used to be this way; when we first got married he had steady employment. In fact he was working so much overtime that I barely saw him for months at a time. Now he's struggling to keep each job and it's not because of the economy. It's because of the way people act. What has happened to society? Has it always been this way since the beginning of time, or does it just seem worse the more I grow older and learn about the world?
Anyway, I know that my little black cloud is being caused by a few specific things. I just need to keep praying and trusting that each of those things will get worked out in God's time. After all, He has been faithful to bring me this far. I'm not going to lose faith in Him now just because of some Stuff. But I really think it helps sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed to just stop and identify the Stuff that's bothering me. Somehow, classifying and labeling it helps me stop feeling that way.
I can hear the birds waking up. I'm going to try to write a little. And today should be a really good day; I'm going with the Kindergarten class on their field trip to the Cape May Zoo. Our heat wave has broken and the weather is gorgeous!
Have a blessed Thursday, everyone.