Friday, May 8, 2009

something is not right

In the middle of the night
Miss Clavel turned on her light
and said, "Something is not right!"

I've been feeling like Miss Clavel all week. I can't put my finger on it, but something is terribly wrong around here.

I admit I've been under an extraordinary amount of stress lately, and quite a lot of things are wrong, including car problems and my husband being out of work, but even so, it's all part of life's normal ups and downs. I shouldn't have this unshakable feeling of je ne sais quoi. It's affecting everything I do. I keep looking over my shoulder, expecting the boogie man to jump out at me.

Perhaps my horrible, terrible, no good, very bad week has brought up some of my post-traumatic stress from last year. I still struggle to get over my experience in my last job. It was truly horrifying. And perhaps this feeling comes from the fact that I happened to see someone from that situation on the street the other day. Fortunately, he didn't see me, but it did shake me up just a little.

You know, that's probably a big part of why I'm feeling this way. It's the feeling of danger. That you can never, ever escape the past. Whenever I think I've finally put it all behind me, something will come up again to taunt me.

My husband says, "Forget about it. It's over."

He doesn't understand. It's never over. People hold grudges. They talk. Spread rumors. Having lived my life in blissful isolation until a few years ago, I didn't realize this. But now that we are entrenched in Small Town America, I'm learning what life in society is really like. If you have done something to offend someone, they never forget.

Not that anyone has actually *said* anything to me, but I hear the way they talk about other people, and I know that someone, somewhere, is talking about me.

Perhaps I'm just unusually sensitive to all of this. I admit to being a perfectionist. I can't bear to think that I have let other people down. This is not pride. It is mortal fear of being rejected, and a constant effort to do one's absolute best so that no one can ever hold anything against you. Which, of course, is impossible.

My head knows this, but my heart just doesn't get it yet.

P.S. Of course, it did occur to me that perhaps God has withdrawn some of His grace from me because I've stopped writing. He did tell me to do it. But I just can't please God and also take care of my other responsibilities right now. It's just not possible, and things at home have been awful lately. I'm trying to figure it all out, but I know the answer will come in its own good time.

We walk by faith, not by sight.

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