Friday, May 15, 2009

Struggling

I am really struggling today over what to do. It's the first day of my summer "break". I have five weeks between now and the start of my summer class. I am home alone this morning... the house is dead quiet. I would love to just open my little file and try to get back into my story. I've been so depressed about the whole thing lately, and almost determined to give it up permanently. But there's something about opportunity. Like murder: means, motive and opportunity. I have the means (the computer), I'm wavering on the motive - is it worth it? I'm still not sure. And then there is opportunity.

I could forget about everything and write for an hour or two. But, the house is a disaster, we are bringing the new puppy home tonight, the checkbook needs balancing, I have to do the grocery shopping and plan the meals for the next few days, and I haven't even had a shower yet. This is how I got into trouble before. Saying "the heck with it" and following my muse.

I must deny the muse a little longer. I'll never be successful until I learn how to keep my priorities straight, and frankly I'm tired of always being on the edge of disaster. I feel like a dog who's burned his nose on a hot pizza. I fear even the smell of my novel right now. I wiped it off the hard drive, along with all of the photos I had for inspiration. It's gone. I have it backed up on a flash drive, and the older versions are on CD as well, and I've emailed most of it to friends. So there are plenty of copies out there.

For the moment, however, it's not readily available and I think that's a good thing.

Phone... gotta go.

3 comments:

wonderer said...

Hi there,

I hopped over from Nathan's blog to read your book opening several weeks ago (I posted here a few times), and I've been peeking in now and then - hope you don't mind.

It makes me sad to hear that you've gone cold turkey, because I know where you're coming from. It *is* hard to balance writing and life. I'm on the "life" side at the moment too, not helped by the fact that I'm trying to edit a novel, which isn't nearly as much fun as the first draft (especially as editing is also my day job).

But I'm still looking for that magic balance, because I can't stop writing altogether. Sure, I spend more time avoiding writing than doing it, and I don't write that much in a year...but it's still a very important part of me.

I get the feeling that it's important to you, too. Don't give up trying to make it work.

(Hope that wasn't creepy or too personal - after all, I don't know you or the pressures in your life. If it was, please disregard.)

bunnygirl said...

Hi, Christine! I'm Maelstrom's author from the CIC site.

I just want to say that anything can seem overwhelming if you let it. I've become a big believer in baby steps. Break things down small, then smaller, just as small as you have to in order to get going. When I'm working on a novel, I commit to one page per day. I don't worry about word count or quality, just words on the page.

You can do anything like that. Clean just one more dish than you dirty each day. Dust one shelf each day. Maybe you'll get on a roll and want to do more, but it's okay if you don't because you've met your goal.

If this philosophy doesn't work, there are others. Find what works for you. The important thing is that you have the ability to do anything but you can't possibly do it all at once. A baby step today and another tomorrow adds up faster than avoiding big steps today, tomorrow, and all of next week. I've tried both ways and one works much better than the other.

Christine H said...

Hi Wonderer - Thanks for your comment! No, it's not creepy. This is the Internet, and I know I have some lurkers. I feel like I'm in a 12-step program, and have to quit cold turkey before I can gradually add some writing time back in. "Hi, my name is Christine and I'm a recovering novelist."

Hi Bunnygirl! I just have to say, the Maelstrom site is awesome. You blow me away! Your characters are so well-conceived, they just sparkle with life! I still can't get over the fact that you have real t-shirts for the band. Thanks for stopping by. I really appreciate it.